When he was a kid, one of his chores was mowing the lawn, but one day he was not able to get it started.

He came into the house, and said, “dad, I can’t get the mower started.”

Matthew’s dad was not a believer in the word, or the concept of “can’t,” so he went outside with his son, got the mower working, and then bent down toward his son and said, “see son, you were just having trouble.”

This brings up an interesting point about language and intention. In this case, substituting the concept of “can’t,” which is closed, final, and just not happening, with the concept of “having trouble,” which implies there is a solution seems to be a more productive way of thinking and allowing our frontal lobe to navigate towards answers.

In talking with my wife, Kara, about this I also realized that I don’t want to be in a mindset of “having trouble,” either — that doesn’t sound good!

So, from a cognitive point of view, where we’re working with our mind (thought/emotion), it seems more positive to come from the standpoint of, “I need help with …”

Now, we’re proactive in our statement without that negative bias — and it also gives us a clear path to action … to seek help.

But the mind is not the end all, be all of this. It is only one plane of existence.

There’s another plane of existence which I often refer to as consciousness (as well as mindfulness or presence). And as much as our intention to seek help can be powerful, it’s only operating on one plane. If we  couple the cognitive with our consciousness — our connection to the Universe — now we’re working on two planes, which can be far more powerful.

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This got me thinking about my own mind …

I feel like a lot of what I’m doing in life is aligned in a positive way.

Yet, sometimes there is this energy — like a “live wire” — that runs through me, even amidst the positivity and consciousness I experience. Sometimes it’s thought or emotion, but more often it’s energetic … and it’s negative.

And this live wire emits energy. I can feel it — and it sends sparks out into the world — sparks of negativity that are shaping both my perceptions, and also affecting the people and the world around me, and how we relate to each other.

Being aware of the live wire helps me become the observer (awareness) of what I’m experiencing, while I experience it. But that doesn’t necessarily mean the negative energy goes away. And even if, through this awareness, it does go away or dissipate, I notice the negativity can re-emerge. It’s like a cycle of build up and release, like waves washing over a beach and then receding, over and over. That said, I do notice the negative moments feel less strong over time, as I continue to practice mindfulness and letting go of resistance.

What this mindfulness feels like for me is a “grounding” or “rewiring,” which can cause an immediate, virtually effortless shift of energy.

To be clear, this doesn’t mean life is perfect and there’s no suffering or struggle. It just means that I’m intentionally choosing to realign and connect with a level of beingness that’s separate from my mental processes and conditioned mind. Another way of looking at it is putting my attention on a different plane of existence, other than the physical realm (which includes thought and emotion).

In essence, if I had to describe this negative energy that’s emitting from the live wire — it’s caused by the conditioned mind … by the well worn tracks in my brain that say, “you should be stressed now,” or “you should be anxious,” or whatever, which manifests as this (almost) imperceptible energy sparking.

And as I realign — which can be accomplished in many ways including slow, intentional inhales and exhales, or positive affirmations like, “I am safe,” the negative feeling dissipates and is replaced by what I can only describe as centeredness or consciousness.

Another method I have started to practice is something called the inner smile. It has the same effect, and often accompanies that slow, intentional breathing I just mentioned.

Our breath is a portal to consciousness. This is something I learned from Eckart Tolle and Ram Dass, and they are 100% right. We just need to remember to use it to bring ourselves more into the moment so there are less negative sparks, and more space for life.

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It’s not a burden.

It’s a gift.

An honor.

A sacred responsibility, that I choose each day.

Yes, it’s still hard.

Yes it’s still challenging.

Yes, it can feel depressing, sad, overwhelming, unmanageable, unfair.

And yet a simple shift in perception, from the egoic state into consciousness, changes everything.

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Today I’d like to share something with you that has helped me transform my life, essentially making it easier for me to make space and be more mindful when I feel overwhelmed by a thought or emotion.

This analogy ties into something I talk about a lot — and it might seem like a foreign concept if it’s the first time you’re hearing it — we are not our thoughts and emotions, they are something we experience.

Now, saying, “I am not my thoughts and emotions, they are something I experience,” is all well and good — but how do we embody that? How do we live it when we’re in the throes of distress?

This is where The River Analogy comes into play …

For much of my adult life, when I experienced a strong emotion or thought, I would feel immersed in it.

During one of these moments the vision of a river came to me. A raging river — and I was up to my eyeballs in it, nearly drowning in emotion/thought. It was quite an accurate, overwhelming visual, but then something changed …

… I said to myself, “you know what, why don’t I just get out of the river? Just get out.”

And then I visualized myself literally getting out of the river and toweling off at a safe distance from it.

Now here’s the thing: the river’s still there, the emotion, the thought, is still there. But now I’ve created some separation between myself and it, so there’s room for something more than that thought or emotion. And with this separation, or space, it becomes clear that our thoughts and emotions are not us. They are, like the river, something we experience while we’re in it, but not actually who we are.

Thanks for stopping by. And remember, you are not alone …

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One of the ways we do this is through awareness, observing what’s happening in the moment, and doing our best to accept what is — if only for just that moment.

But what about when resistance rears its head?

For instance, if we’re experiencing worry about the person we are a caregiver for it’s easy to start feeling resistance to what is … specifically, whatever is ailing them.

Let’s use my wife’s health as an example. I often experience worry about her health, as well as resistance that she’s sick. Notice how I describe this as “experiencing,” these things. One way of creating space between thoughts and emotions is to acknowledge that these thoughts and emotions are not us — they are something we experience. Just like you are not the cold if you go outside in the dead of winter. You experience the cold, and you are not it.

So resistance can easily push us away from accepting what is. It can also put us in a place where we are not fully in the moment.

One way to look at resistance is, it’s something that comes up when someone tells you what to do, and there might be an immediate resistance, like, “oh, yeah, don’t tell me what to do!” That’s a very basic form of resistance.

Whereas, if somebody says, “hey, what do you think about X, Y and Z, how should we handle it?” Now, resistance is much less likely to rear its head, because you’re being asked a question and you’re being asked for your opinion.

So it makes sense that might be a level of resistance present when somebody gets sick, because you weren’t asked, “what’s your opinion here on being a caregiver?” — it just came into your life.  so now, you might be feeling resistant to what your care recipient (what I call the “caregivee”) is going through, as well resisting being a caregiver, making resistance a multi-layered not-fun experience.

Cooking breakfast is something I have resistance to. I don’t like to cook, so there’s resistance on that level. So in the morning, I get up, I exercise, I meditate, and then I cook. And as soon as I go into the kitchen I start feeling this resistance to cooking. And I realize it’s not just about the fact that I don’t like to cook. It’s about the fact that my wife is not well enough to cook.

And then that brings up the resistance I have to her illness, to the situation, to the fact that I don’t like cooking, and I don’t I don’t want to have to be a caregiver.

I didn’t choose this.

And all of a sudden, this resistance starts to mount and become stronger.

These types of thoughts and emotions aren’t relegated just to caregivers taking care of loved ones. They can also be experienced by nurses, doctors, therapists, or anyone who takes care of others in a professional setting — and each of these scenarios are going to have different stressors and different triggers — different trauma that might come up. But regardless of the exact situation, each of us needs to learn how to how to cope with the caregiver role in a way that’s healthy.

As mentioned earlier, being aware of what you’re feeling, of what you’re thinking, of observing it, is one way of handling thoughts and emotions in a healthy way — even if you’re noticing resistance, that’s OK! Just do your best to accept that you’re feeling (experiencing) resistance. Because the alternative is to resist that your’re feeling resistant and that just adds another layer of suffering.

And even if whatever you’re experiencing doesn’t go away, that’s okay. The fact that you are observing yourself, in awareness (or in presence) that you are resistant to x, y and z, is progress — so please be kind to yourself as you work through this.

You may be wondering, how do I get to a place where I’m in awareness?

One of the simplest — yet extremely effective — ways of being in awareness is to practice intentional breathing as long as this is something you’re comfortable with. Slow, deep breathing, and actually visualize each breath filling up your body can go a long way in helping you be in the present moment, observe the situation, and even calm you down (slow breathing is a clear signal your vagus nerve can deliver to your brain that you are safe and OK).

Want to learn more?
If you’d like more help dealing with resistance, acceptance and the struggles of being a caregiver, feel free to reach out and schedule a complimentary discovery call to see if in-person or virtual life coaching is right for you.

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So, the little i is part of the ego, and in addition to being attached to things like possessions, social status, etc., ego can also be that negative self-talk that we’ve got going on, and also things like worry and fear have an attachment to ego — that little i.

Then there’s the big I, which is kind of what I refer to as our eternal self, or our consciousness. It can be referred to as the soul, energy, or something similar, it really depends on what you’ve studied and what you’ve learned growing up.

The thing is, no matter what’s going on in the physical world, the big I is like, “Yeah, I’m good. Even with all this stuff I’m experiencing as a human being … I’m still good.” This is consciousness and it’s with us — always.

Now, the human part of existing as a human being may not feel alright at all. It might be experiencing extreme fear, stress or worry — about the future, the past — and all this stuff that the ego throws at us is DISTRACTION from being in the present moment. That’s not to say it’s unimportant, or that we should delegitimize it, what we experience, what we feel, what we think. We want to acknowledge it. We want to honor it, and we also don’t want to be slave to it.

If this resonates, it’s a good idea to check in with yourself throughout the day to see if you are coming from a place of little i or big I. That said, there’s no need for judgment if you find yourself stuck in ego. Just hit the reset button and move toward consciousness when you find yourself there.

Want to learn more?
If you’re interested in chatting about in-person or virtual life coaching, feel free to book a complimentary discovery call.

And remember, you are not alone …

The post The Big I, the Little I, and Distraction appeared first on Joey Donovan Guido.

Depending on who you ask, the word ego can have different definitions, so I’ll share mine with you to make sure we’re on the same page. I learned this from Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now, A New Earth), one of my teachers who is a resource I like to  recommend to clients who are interested in this type of work.

OK, back to defining the ego …

I like to personify ego because, for me, it’s how I’m able to understand the different parts of the ego, and also how I can effectively share with others in a way that hopefully makes sense.

Ego is made up of more than one part, and it’s a normal part of being human — it can also get in the way, big time, of being in the present moment.

One level of ego is the part of ourselves that identifies with things like how much money we make, our marital status, if we’re happy with things like our looks, education or intelligence, as well as anything that’s a possession — something that’s outside ourselves that the ego uses to define us — like the kind of car we drive, what kind of house we live in, etc.

These all feel like fairly normal things, as it’s part of the American culture AND how our minds have been conditioned throughout our lives.

It’s all part of ego, which can be a double edged sword raising a person above others or placing a person below others. Either way, ego is still defining and judging us — and it’s a no-win situation because we’re pulled out of consciousness because of it.

On the one hand, ego can be that voice in a person’s head that tells them they’re superior to another person. That said, the flip side (or the other hand) is that little, quiet voice in a person’s head that says things to put them down, or feel less than, like: What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not smart enough? What if I’m a fake? What if I fail? That same voice can make you feel bad about yourself (or fear others think less of you) because of your appearance, intelligence, income … whatever.

So what do we do?

The first step in quelling the ego — whether it’s boosting you up, or bringing you down — is to be aware of it. You don’t have to try to stop it, or resist it, just be aware. Awareness in these situations allows you to become an observer of the moment, and this can naturally create some space between you and your thoughts and emotions. In other words, you are not your thoughts and emotions, they are something you experience.

Want to learn more?
If you’re interested in chatting about life coaching, feel free to book a complimentary discovery call.

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Over the years, one of the notable things I’ve learned is to change my language. Let me explain …

When it came to thoughts and emotions I used to say, “my feelings” or “my thoughts.” I would really hold on tight to them, as if the thoughts and emotions were me. I’ve changed that language (which was part of conditioned thinking) to “I’m feeling” and “I’m thinking” — and this helped me to understand that I am not my thoughts and emotions — they are something I experience.

It’s just like when you go outside on a cold day. You may feel cold, but you are not the cold, it’s just something you’re experiencing.

When we change our language like this, it gives a little bit of space, some separation between what we’re experiencing and ourselves. In essence, we become the observer of the thought or emotion while experiencing it.

And this space, this place in between, is where consciousness is.

It’s where mindfulness is, and when we can start to create this space it allows us to be in the moment more and still be experiencing what’s going on in our mind. When I first started meditating, I thought to myself, “this is going to be great. I’m never going to feel any negative emotions anymore. Never have any negative thoughts.” I thought that’s how it would work, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Mindfulness doesn’t mean we don’t feel or have negative thoughts. Mindfulness helps us manage these things better so there’s space for something more than just the thought or emotion.

I learned that we can have strong feelings or thoughts (or both) AND still be OK, that all of these could exist at the same time — and that it didn’t need to be one or the other.

These types of learnings are a large part of the reason I became a life coach for caregivers, because I know how debilitating and exhausting it can be to be caught up in our own thoughts and emotions. My goal is to help others make that space so they can manage their thoughts, emotions, and life more effectively — and ultimately suffer less …

Want to learn more?
If you’re interested in chatting about life coaching, feel free to book a complimentary discovery call.

The post Changing Our Language & Making Space appeared first on Joey Donovan Guido.

Taking a step back and looking more broadly at emotions and thoughts, I found that I’ve had a lot of different caregiver-centric emotions including anger and resentment. At one point I felt resentment toward my wife, until I worked through it and realized this is not about her. She didn’t do anything to me. The resentment I felt was towards her health issues, not her, and this shift in understanding what I was feeling — AND what this feeling was connected — to helped me come to a place of acceptance over time.

There are a lot of emotions and thoughts that don’t really feel very good. Anger, hopelessness, depression, which some of us may have had before we became caregivers, and then once we become a caregiver that can really exacerbate, so much that it can be hard to function. Some of the emotions that have been hardest for me have been grief and loss for things I almost took for granted, and one day were just gone.

A lot of this can be traumatic as well.

We won’t talk too much about trauma today, that will come later in the year once I embark on a trauma certification, but I do want to mention it because it’s a real thing — and it’s not just trauma experienced by the person we’re giving care to. It’s trauma experienced by the caregiver, too.

One of the biggest things I learned, and it was a really big deal, was that you are not your thoughts and emotions. They are something you experience.

I was just thinking about this today, and remembered an analogy that really sums it up. Back in January, I facilitated an in-person workshop and it was freezing here in Madison, WI. And when I went outside, I felt incredibly cold, but I was not the cold, I was simply experiencing it (which is one of the reasons why I want to move to a warmer climate). And one of the cornerstones of understanding that we’re not our thoughts and emotions is the fact that we can create a little space there, right? A little separation between being the observer of what we’re experiencing, as well as the human being experiencing it.

All of a sudden, we’re not drowning in those thoughts and emotions, because there’s a little bit of space.

Once we start to practice this, we become the observer of our mind. And when we’re the observer, then we can make some room for something else, other than that thought or emotion, which can be totally overwhelming. I always joke with my kids, that if hold a photograph right in front of my face, real close, that’s all I’m going to see — and that’s what the mind can feel like when we’re fixated (aka, drowning in) our thoughts or emotions. But when we take a step back and make some space between the photo and ourselves, we start to see there’s more to our life than just that photo.

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I have been a caregiver since 2017, and what I’ve noticed is that a lot of the time caregivers don’t really take the best care of themselves. We’re so busy being caregivers, and filling other obligations in our lives, that it’s easy to put ourselves last — and when we do, we’re setting ourselves up for burnout.

I learned from personal experience how important it is for caregivers to have self-care practices that are sustainable and that actually work. What’s interesting is that even though a lot of the methodologies I practice and share are for caregivers — they work for anyone who is looking to reduce burnout, improve their overall health, and lessen stress and anxiety. That said, these practices can be shared with the people you are a caregiver for, helping them, too. 

It’s important to note that the practices I share are customizable. Everything you’ll find in this blog, or in my videos, are suggestions you can take in whatever direction that works for you. The important thing is to make the time to take care of yourself in an effort to improve your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health.

With self-care comes a lot of positives in our lives, and it also allows us to be better caregivers. Guilt will try to tell you that self-care is selfish. The truth is that it’s a necessary component to a well-lived life — and in being a competent caregiver.

Before you move on with your day, try the following quick practice (as long as you’re comfortable with it), which you can repeat anytime, anywhere … take a slow, deep breath in, and then exhale slowly. Experience this breath mindfully, and be aware of what your body feels like before, during and after the breath.

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