This got me thinking about my own mind …

I feel like a lot of what I’m doing in life is aligned in a positive way.

Yet, sometimes there is this energy — like a “live wire” — that runs through me, even amidst the positivity and consciousness I experience. Sometimes it’s thought or emotion, but more often it’s energetic … and it’s negative.

And this live wire emits energy. I can feel it — and it sends sparks out into the world — sparks of negativity that are shaping both my perceptions, and also affecting the people and the world around me, and how we relate to each other.

Being aware of the live wire helps me become the observer (awareness) of what I’m experiencing, while I experience it. But that doesn’t necessarily mean the negative energy goes away. And even if, through this awareness, it does go away or dissipate, I notice the negativity can re-emerge. It’s like a cycle of build up and release, like waves washing over a beach and then receding, over and over. That said, I do notice the negative moments feel less strong over time, as I continue to practice mindfulness and letting go of resistance.

What this mindfulness feels like for me is a “grounding” or “rewiring,” which can cause an immediate, virtually effortless shift of energy.

To be clear, this doesn’t mean life is perfect and there’s no suffering or struggle. It just means that I’m intentionally choosing to realign and connect with a level of beingness that’s separate from my mental processes and conditioned mind. Another way of looking at it is putting my attention on a different plane of existence, other than the physical realm (which includes thought and emotion).

In essence, if I had to describe this negative energy that’s emitting from the live wire — it’s caused by the conditioned mind … by the well worn tracks in my brain that say, “you should be stressed now,” or “you should be anxious,” or whatever, which manifests as this (almost) imperceptible energy sparking.

And as I realign — which can be accomplished in many ways including slow, intentional inhales and exhales, or positive affirmations like, “I am safe,” the negative feeling dissipates and is replaced by what I can only describe as centeredness or consciousness.

Another method I have started to practice is something called the inner smile. It has the same effect, and often accompanies that slow, intentional breathing I just mentioned.

Our breath is a portal to consciousness. This is something I learned from Eckart Tolle and Ram Dass, and they are 100% right. We just need to remember to use it to bring ourselves more into the moment so there are less negative sparks, and more space for life.

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The following is the transcription of the segment. If you’d like to listen to the podcast in its entirety, you can do so here.

Let’s jump in …

JOEY: You mentioned earlier all of these social obligations. I think especially as men, we have different ones. And what I found, as a man and a husband, there’s kind of like this suck it up attitude, right? Which is what appears to be put upon doctors. Just suck it up.

You were saying earlier, which is on par with this concept, that if something’s not working right, you would just put more time into it without really dealing with how you were doing emotionally or cognitively.

And I’m really glad you shared that your wife came with you to a therapy appointment, so she could shed some light on how she saw you struggling. Going to therapy, and bringing your wife into the discussion about your mental and emotional health, probably wan’t the easiest thing to do — but it is such a brave, healthy choice, as opposed to continuing to suck it up.

I think one of the concepts we’ve danced around a little bit is this kind of shame. Like men or doctors might feel shame that they need help, but what they forget is that we’re all human beings.

And there is no shame in getting that help, just like the patients come to you for help. And that was a big lesson for me when my wife got sick. It was kind of all hands on deck. Take care of our two sons. Take care of my wife, and take care of my clients (I run a small marketing firm). And I did nothing for myself until I got to a point where I almost became an alcoholic, and was falling apart.

So for me, was like, all right, you know what? I needed to step back and assess what do I need to do to be OK …

For me it was therapy, joining a men’s group, and it was trying out different solutions — trial and error — like you had mentioned earlier to determine what works and what doesn’t work for self-care.

And I think, you as a doctor know this better than anybody. If someone comes in to your office and says, “hey, here’s my problem,” and they just want you to hand them a pill, that’s not the answer.

JOE: Yeah, I mean, there’s so many different things that you mentioned. To start, it depends on your upbringing. For me, there was, I was the youngest of this large family. There was this philosophy of get out there, get to work, earn your living.

And the whole concept of suck it up, just deal with it, was present … you have to keep going. And then the whole culture of medical training just goes along with that. Everything that we’re taught in medical school and residency is, look, if you can’t hack it, then get out … just keep going.

Don’t deal with your emotions, just suck it up and go.

And, just like you say, being a male in our society, being raised with that type of mentality, and then having the culture of medicine kind of superimpose itself. What ends up happening is any other way that we knew about processing our emotions, even acknowledging our emotions, kind of gets pushed to the sideline to where we forget — if they were ever there.

I think that this is one of the reasons why women in medicine now, there will be in the future a majority of women in medicine, and yet still in medicine today it’s a male dominated culture. And that goes along with the societal expectations of male and female.

So with my clients now, it’s the same process I had to go through to acknowledge — to be able to recognize — when I am suffering. To recognize when I need my own self-compassion, when I need to acknowledge how my emotions are being expressed physically in my body. All of these things were so brand new to me at a very advanced age in my life. And these are things that many other people deal with much earlier in life.

For my clients now, I have to kind of get in there and meet them where they are in this whole suck it up, buttercup, mentality and then try to say, okay, let’s look at another alternative way of looking at this. What’s really happening to you physically, emotionally, spiritually? Because this is the space where you can talk about those things. It’s okay to talk about it. There is no shame in it. It’s called being a human being. It’s called humanity. That’s what we are.

We’re not these superheroes, we’re not superhuman. So all of these things are shifts in the culture and shifts in the mindset that I think especially male physicians need to make eventually in their lives. There are some that never come to that point. Many physicians never come to that point because they’re able to surround themselves with an environment that allows them to continue living this suck it up life. But I think eventually that catches up to you.

JOEY: Yeah, yeah, and it’s in a lot of ways it’s kind of like an unconscious life.

JOE: Exactly.

JOEY: The word human being is the combination of two words for a reason, right? And I think the suck it up mentality is part of this tapestry that humanity has made for whatever reason. And the beingness, whether we call it mindfulness, consciousness, presence — that higher self, that connection to spirit, kind of like you mentioned, gets pushed out of the frame.

So, what would you suggest a doctor do if they are in a situation where they are surrounded by this suck it up culture, but realize they kind of need to make this shift away from it?

JOE: I think first of all, you have to recognize within yourself what’s happening. And if you’re feeling this sense of dread when you go into work, if you’re feeling as if you’re really not being effective at treating your patients because everything else is getting in the way, and you feel like you’re really not a very good doctor — if you start to feel like you even resent having to take care of patients.

These are all symptoms and signs of burnout.

This can go on, and you can become increasingly anxious and even depressed, and feel yourself separated and isolated from everyone else. As you see this start to appear, the most important thing is to realize that you do need to reach out for help. It’s not shameful. I mean, there may be that sense or feeling of shame there. Shame, I also believe, is a normal human emotion. But also to realize that just like your patients need help, just like you refer patients to consultants, to therapists, to psychiatrists, to mental health providers — we need mental health providers. We need coaches, we need therapists, we need spiritual directors, we need everything. All of those supports.

Because the pressures and the constant stress placed upon physicians really call upon us to look outside and to get that type of help that we need, to then digest/internalize that, and to be able to put it into practice and to become a habit so that we can reach some balance in our lives.

Before, I would say when I first started as a pediatrician, I had the belief that this was going to be my life. My vocation. My stance was, “I will throw everything into it. And everybody else, if I find a life partner, they just have to kind of fit in somewhere. If I have children, they have to kind of fit in somewhere.” That was the way I looked at things before. And I think many physicians go into practice feeling that way. And they feel like there may be no other alternative.

There is an alternative.

There is a reality where you can reach a better balance, and that if you do take care of yourself, if you get the support you need, if you’re able to take a break, if you’re able to institute these small little practices that help you re-center yourself and reset yourself, then you can come at the practice of medicine with a whole new mindset — one that brings your authentic self to the forefront, giving your patients what they truly deserve, your full self, not just a piece of you.

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There’s one fact I’ve gleaned from this work — men don’t show up.

What I’ve found that, whether it’s online or in person, individuals who attend these events are 90-100% female.

Years ago, when I facilitated the Daddy Brain Workshop through Meriter Hospital, as well as through state-sponsored events, I saw first hand that there are men out there who need support, as well as women — so why aren’t the men showing up?

Some of the reasons are rooted in conditioned thinking, that men need to “be strong,” “be a man,” and “suck it up.” The result can be devastating to anyone who believes in these mantras — because it can cause the suppression of thoughts, emotions and struggles, instead of sharing them or formally asking for help from a friend, family member, therapist, or support group.

Burying a strong emotion doesn’t make it go away. What it does is fester, causing all kinds of problems including depression, outbursts of anger, and illness.

What I’ve learned is that true strength comes in many forms — including tears, the ability to acknowledge and express one’s thoughts and emotions, and to ask for help. There is no weakness, or shame in needing help.

I have worked with men who were appointed by the state to take a parenting workshop, or who have been caregivers for years and are struggling terribly. I’ve worked with men who have lost children — either through divorce, or through ectopic pregnancies. These men, once they are in a safe space where they can be heard, express a wide array of emotions that they have been carrying around with them, often suppressed, like heavy baggage.

It’s time we encourage men to step into self care, and be able to safely express themselves.

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Today I’d like to share something with you that has helped me transform my life, essentially making it easier for me to make space and be more mindful when I feel overwhelmed by a thought or emotion.

This analogy ties into something I talk about a lot — and it might seem like a foreign concept if it’s the first time you’re hearing it — we are not our thoughts and emotions, they are something we experience.

Now, saying, “I am not my thoughts and emotions, they are something I experience,” is all well and good — but how do we embody that? How do we live it when we’re in the throes of distress?

This is where The River Analogy comes into play …

For much of my adult life, when I experienced a strong emotion or thought, I would feel immersed in it.

During one of these moments the vision of a river came to me. A raging river — and I was up to my eyeballs in it, nearly drowning in emotion/thought. It was quite an accurate, overwhelming visual, but then something changed …

… I said to myself, “you know what, why don’t I just get out of the river? Just get out.”

And then I visualized myself literally getting out of the river and toweling off at a safe distance from it.

Now here’s the thing: the river’s still there, the emotion, the thought, is still there. But now I’ve created some separation between myself and it, so there’s room for something more than that thought or emotion. And with this separation, or space, it becomes clear that our thoughts and emotions are not us. They are, like the river, something we experience while we’re in it, but not actually who we are.

Thanks for stopping by. And remember, you are not alone …

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Over the years, one of the notable things I’ve learned is to change my language. Let me explain …

When it came to thoughts and emotions I used to say, “my feelings” or “my thoughts.” I would really hold on tight to them, as if the thoughts and emotions were me. I’ve changed that language (which was part of conditioned thinking) to “I’m feeling” and “I’m thinking” — and this helped me to understand that I am not my thoughts and emotions — they are something I experience.

It’s just like when you go outside on a cold day. You may feel cold, but you are not the cold, it’s just something you’re experiencing.

When we change our language like this, it gives a little bit of space, some separation between what we’re experiencing and ourselves. In essence, we become the observer of the thought or emotion while experiencing it.

And this space, this place in between, is where consciousness is.

It’s where mindfulness is, and when we can start to create this space it allows us to be in the moment more and still be experiencing what’s going on in our mind. When I first started meditating, I thought to myself, “this is going to be great. I’m never going to feel any negative emotions anymore. Never have any negative thoughts.” I thought that’s how it would work, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Mindfulness doesn’t mean we don’t feel or have negative thoughts. Mindfulness helps us manage these things better so there’s space for something more than just the thought or emotion.

I learned that we can have strong feelings or thoughts (or both) AND still be OK, that all of these could exist at the same time — and that it didn’t need to be one or the other.

These types of learnings are a large part of the reason I became a life coach for caregivers, because I know how debilitating and exhausting it can be to be caught up in our own thoughts and emotions. My goal is to help others make that space so they can manage their thoughts, emotions, and life more effectively — and ultimately suffer less …

Want to learn more?
If you’re interested in chatting about life coaching, feel free to book a complimentary discovery call.

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Taking a step back and looking more broadly at emotions and thoughts, I found that I’ve had a lot of different caregiver-centric emotions including anger and resentment. At one point I felt resentment toward my wife, until I worked through it and realized this is not about her. She didn’t do anything to me. The resentment I felt was towards her health issues, not her, and this shift in understanding what I was feeling — AND what this feeling was connected — to helped me come to a place of acceptance over time.

There are a lot of emotions and thoughts that don’t really feel very good. Anger, hopelessness, depression, which some of us may have had before we became caregivers, and then once we become a caregiver that can really exacerbate, so much that it can be hard to function. Some of the emotions that have been hardest for me have been grief and loss for things I almost took for granted, and one day were just gone.

A lot of this can be traumatic as well.

We won’t talk too much about trauma today, that will come later in the year once I embark on a trauma certification, but I do want to mention it because it’s a real thing — and it’s not just trauma experienced by the person we’re giving care to. It’s trauma experienced by the caregiver, too.

One of the biggest things I learned, and it was a really big deal, was that you are not your thoughts and emotions. They are something you experience.

I was just thinking about this today, and remembered an analogy that really sums it up. Back in January, I facilitated an in-person workshop and it was freezing here in Madison, WI. And when I went outside, I felt incredibly cold, but I was not the cold, I was simply experiencing it (which is one of the reasons why I want to move to a warmer climate). And one of the cornerstones of understanding that we’re not our thoughts and emotions is the fact that we can create a little space there, right? A little separation between being the observer of what we’re experiencing, as well as the human being experiencing it.

All of a sudden, we’re not drowning in those thoughts and emotions, because there’s a little bit of space.

Once we start to practice this, we become the observer of our mind. And when we’re the observer, then we can make some room for something else, other than that thought or emotion, which can be totally overwhelming. I always joke with my kids, that if hold a photograph right in front of my face, real close, that’s all I’m going to see — and that’s what the mind can feel like when we’re fixated (aka, drowning in) our thoughts or emotions. But when we take a step back and make some space between the photo and ourselves, we start to see there’s more to our life than just that photo.

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I have been a caregiver since 2017, and what I’ve noticed is that a lot of the time caregivers don’t really take the best care of themselves. We’re so busy being caregivers, and filling other obligations in our lives, that it’s easy to put ourselves last — and when we do, we’re setting ourselves up for burnout.

I learned from personal experience how important it is for caregivers to have self-care practices that are sustainable and that actually work. What’s interesting is that even though a lot of the methodologies I practice and share are for caregivers — they work for anyone who is looking to reduce burnout, improve their overall health, and lessen stress and anxiety. That said, these practices can be shared with the people you are a caregiver for, helping them, too. 

It’s important to note that the practices I share are customizable. Everything you’ll find in this blog, or in my videos, are suggestions you can take in whatever direction that works for you. The important thing is to make the time to take care of yourself in an effort to improve your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health.

With self-care comes a lot of positives in our lives, and it also allows us to be better caregivers. Guilt will try to tell you that self-care is selfish. The truth is that it’s a necessary component to a well-lived life — and in being a competent caregiver.

Before you move on with your day, try the following quick practice (as long as you’re comfortable with it), which you can repeat anytime, anywhere … take a slow, deep breath in, and then exhale slowly. Experience this breath mindfully, and be aware of what your body feels like before, during and after the breath.

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