When he was a kid, one of his chores was mowing the lawn, but one day he was not able to get it started.

He came into the house, and said, “dad, I can’t get the mower started.”

Matthew’s dad was not a believer in the word, or the concept of “can’t,” so he went outside with his son, got the mower working, and then bent down toward his son and said, “see son, you were just having trouble.”

This brings up an interesting point about language and intention. In this case, substituting the concept of “can’t,” which is closed, final, and just not happening, with the concept of “having trouble,” which implies there is a solution seems to be a more productive way of thinking and allowing our frontal lobe to navigate towards answers.

In talking with my wife, Kara, about this I also realized that I don’t want to be in a mindset of “having trouble,” either — that doesn’t sound good!

So, from a cognitive point of view, where we’re working with our mind (thought/emotion), it seems more positive to come from the standpoint of, “I need help with …”

Now, we’re proactive in our statement without that negative bias — and it also gives us a clear path to action … to seek help.

But the mind is not the end all, be all of this. It is only one plane of existence.

There’s another plane of existence which I often refer to as consciousness (as well as mindfulness or presence). And as much as our intention to seek help can be powerful, it’s only operating on one plane. If we  couple the cognitive with our consciousness — our connection to the Universe — now we’re working on two planes, which can be far more powerful.

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It’s not a burden.

It’s a gift.

An honor.

A sacred responsibility, that I choose each day.

Yes, it’s still hard.

Yes it’s still challenging.

Yes, it can feel depressing, sad, overwhelming, unmanageable, unfair.

And yet a simple shift in perception, from the egoic state into consciousness, changes everything.

The post The Caregiver’s Perception Shift appeared first on Joey Donovan Guido.

Today I’d like to share something with you that has helped me transform my life, essentially making it easier for me to make space and be more mindful when I feel overwhelmed by a thought or emotion.

This analogy ties into something I talk about a lot — and it might seem like a foreign concept if it’s the first time you’re hearing it — we are not our thoughts and emotions, they are something we experience.

Now, saying, “I am not my thoughts and emotions, they are something I experience,” is all well and good — but how do we embody that? How do we live it when we’re in the throes of distress?

This is where The River Analogy comes into play …

For much of my adult life, when I experienced a strong emotion or thought, I would feel immersed in it.

During one of these moments the vision of a river came to me. A raging river — and I was up to my eyeballs in it, nearly drowning in emotion/thought. It was quite an accurate, overwhelming visual, but then something changed …

… I said to myself, “you know what, why don’t I just get out of the river? Just get out.”

And then I visualized myself literally getting out of the river and toweling off at a safe distance from it.

Now here’s the thing: the river’s still there, the emotion, the thought, is still there. But now I’ve created some separation between myself and it, so there’s room for something more than that thought or emotion. And with this separation, or space, it becomes clear that our thoughts and emotions are not us. They are, like the river, something we experience while we’re in it, but not actually who we are.

Thanks for stopping by. And remember, you are not alone …

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One of the ways we do this is through awareness, observing what’s happening in the moment, and doing our best to accept what is — if only for just that moment.

But what about when resistance rears its head?

For instance, if we’re experiencing worry about the person we are a caregiver for it’s easy to start feeling resistance to what is … specifically, whatever is ailing them.

Let’s use my wife’s health as an example. I often experience worry about her health, as well as resistance that she’s sick. Notice how I describe this as “experiencing,” these things. One way of creating space between thoughts and emotions is to acknowledge that these thoughts and emotions are not us — they are something we experience. Just like you are not the cold if you go outside in the dead of winter. You experience the cold, and you are not it.

So resistance can easily push us away from accepting what is. It can also put us in a place where we are not fully in the moment.

One way to look at resistance is, it’s something that comes up when someone tells you what to do, and there might be an immediate resistance, like, “oh, yeah, don’t tell me what to do!” That’s a very basic form of resistance.

Whereas, if somebody says, “hey, what do you think about X, Y and Z, how should we handle it?” Now, resistance is much less likely to rear its head, because you’re being asked a question and you’re being asked for your opinion.

So it makes sense that might be a level of resistance present when somebody gets sick, because you weren’t asked, “what’s your opinion here on being a caregiver?” — it just came into your life.  so now, you might be feeling resistant to what your care recipient (what I call the “caregivee”) is going through, as well resisting being a caregiver, making resistance a multi-layered not-fun experience.

Cooking breakfast is something I have resistance to. I don’t like to cook, so there’s resistance on that level. So in the morning, I get up, I exercise, I meditate, and then I cook. And as soon as I go into the kitchen I start feeling this resistance to cooking. And I realize it’s not just about the fact that I don’t like to cook. It’s about the fact that my wife is not well enough to cook.

And then that brings up the resistance I have to her illness, to the situation, to the fact that I don’t like cooking, and I don’t I don’t want to have to be a caregiver.

I didn’t choose this.

And all of a sudden, this resistance starts to mount and become stronger.

These types of thoughts and emotions aren’t relegated just to caregivers taking care of loved ones. They can also be experienced by nurses, doctors, therapists, or anyone who takes care of others in a professional setting — and each of these scenarios are going to have different stressors and different triggers — different trauma that might come up. But regardless of the exact situation, each of us needs to learn how to how to cope with the caregiver role in a way that’s healthy.

As mentioned earlier, being aware of what you’re feeling, of what you’re thinking, of observing it, is one way of handling thoughts and emotions in a healthy way — even if you’re noticing resistance, that’s OK! Just do your best to accept that you’re feeling (experiencing) resistance. Because the alternative is to resist that your’re feeling resistant and that just adds another layer of suffering.

And even if whatever you’re experiencing doesn’t go away, that’s okay. The fact that you are observing yourself, in awareness (or in presence) that you are resistant to x, y and z, is progress — so please be kind to yourself as you work through this.

You may be wondering, how do I get to a place where I’m in awareness?

One of the simplest — yet extremely effective — ways of being in awareness is to practice intentional breathing as long as this is something you’re comfortable with. Slow, deep breathing, and actually visualize each breath filling up your body can go a long way in helping you be in the present moment, observe the situation, and even calm you down (slow breathing is a clear signal your vagus nerve can deliver to your brain that you are safe and OK).

Want to learn more?
If you’d like more help dealing with resistance, acceptance and the struggles of being a caregiver, feel free to reach out and schedule a complimentary discovery call to see if in-person or virtual life coaching is right for you.

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As caregivers, what can often happen is that we’re so busy caring for others that our needs are not addressed. Sometimes we don’t verbalize our needs, while other times we may not even be aware of what our needs are.

As I have become more mindful, I’ve gained some insight into what my needs are — as well as which ones can realistically be met, and which ones can’t. I’ve also realized that taking care of others — whether it’s caring for a spouse, parent, or child — shouldn’t mean we suffer. Yes, suffering is part of life, but being a caregiver doesn’t mean we should be suffering in silence.

It’s important to acknowledge what are needs are, and ask for help if the opportunity arises. This is especially difficult for men, who have been conditioned to “suck it up,” and just grind through each day.

These needs could be small or big, long-term or short-term, from the need for intimacy, to the need for someone else to cook a meal. Speaking of cooking, there are just some nights where I go to cook dinner and I’m really tired, or not feeling well, and am just not up for cooking. In the past, I would push through and feel like a martyr. And then one day I was like, you know what? I don’t need to force myself to cook. If my boys are home from school (they’re both in college), I can ask for help, or we can do takeout.

This is just a small example of taking away suffering. Although cooking is my responsibility in the household, nobody is putting pressure on me to cook — I’m putting it on myself. The shift from forcing myself to cook, to giving myself the grace to sometimes not cook was a healthy shift. And you know what? Everybody understands. Nobody complains. Everybody still eats.

As caregivers, we want to take care of everybody and take away their pain, take away their suffering, their struggle. And sometimes we can take it too far. And when we do that, we start causing our own problems and suffering, because we’re not we’re not acknowledging our needs and taking care of ourselves.

So, take a few minutes and answer the question for yourself … what are your needs, and are they being met?

The post Are Your Needs Being Met as a Caregiver? appeared first on Joey Donovan Guido.

Over the years, one of the notable things I’ve learned is to change my language. Let me explain …

When it came to thoughts and emotions I used to say, “my feelings” or “my thoughts.” I would really hold on tight to them, as if the thoughts and emotions were me. I’ve changed that language (which was part of conditioned thinking) to “I’m feeling” and “I’m thinking” — and this helped me to understand that I am not my thoughts and emotions — they are something I experience.

It’s just like when you go outside on a cold day. You may feel cold, but you are not the cold, it’s just something you’re experiencing.

When we change our language like this, it gives a little bit of space, some separation between what we’re experiencing and ourselves. In essence, we become the observer of the thought or emotion while experiencing it.

And this space, this place in between, is where consciousness is.

It’s where mindfulness is, and when we can start to create this space it allows us to be in the moment more and still be experiencing what’s going on in our mind. When I first started meditating, I thought to myself, “this is going to be great. I’m never going to feel any negative emotions anymore. Never have any negative thoughts.” I thought that’s how it would work, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Mindfulness doesn’t mean we don’t feel or have negative thoughts. Mindfulness helps us manage these things better so there’s space for something more than just the thought or emotion.

I learned that we can have strong feelings or thoughts (or both) AND still be OK, that all of these could exist at the same time — and that it didn’t need to be one or the other.

These types of learnings are a large part of the reason I became a life coach for caregivers, because I know how debilitating and exhausting it can be to be caught up in our own thoughts and emotions. My goal is to help others make that space so they can manage their thoughts, emotions, and life more effectively — and ultimately suffer less …

Want to learn more?
If you’re interested in chatting about life coaching, feel free to book a complimentary discovery call.

The post Changing Our Language & Making Space appeared first on Joey Donovan Guido.

Taking a step back and looking more broadly at emotions and thoughts, I found that I’ve had a lot of different caregiver-centric emotions including anger and resentment. At one point I felt resentment toward my wife, until I worked through it and realized this is not about her. She didn’t do anything to me. The resentment I felt was towards her health issues, not her, and this shift in understanding what I was feeling — AND what this feeling was connected — to helped me come to a place of acceptance over time.

There are a lot of emotions and thoughts that don’t really feel very good. Anger, hopelessness, depression, which some of us may have had before we became caregivers, and then once we become a caregiver that can really exacerbate, so much that it can be hard to function. Some of the emotions that have been hardest for me have been grief and loss for things I almost took for granted, and one day were just gone.

A lot of this can be traumatic as well.

We won’t talk too much about trauma today, that will come later in the year once I embark on a trauma certification, but I do want to mention it because it’s a real thing — and it’s not just trauma experienced by the person we’re giving care to. It’s trauma experienced by the caregiver, too.

One of the biggest things I learned, and it was a really big deal, was that you are not your thoughts and emotions. They are something you experience.

I was just thinking about this today, and remembered an analogy that really sums it up. Back in January, I facilitated an in-person workshop and it was freezing here in Madison, WI. And when I went outside, I felt incredibly cold, but I was not the cold, I was simply experiencing it (which is one of the reasons why I want to move to a warmer climate). And one of the cornerstones of understanding that we’re not our thoughts and emotions is the fact that we can create a little space there, right? A little separation between being the observer of what we’re experiencing, as well as the human being experiencing it.

All of a sudden, we’re not drowning in those thoughts and emotions, because there’s a little bit of space.

Once we start to practice this, we become the observer of our mind. And when we’re the observer, then we can make some room for something else, other than that thought or emotion, which can be totally overwhelming. I always joke with my kids, that if hold a photograph right in front of my face, real close, that’s all I’m going to see — and that’s what the mind can feel like when we’re fixated (aka, drowning in) our thoughts or emotions. But when we take a step back and make some space between the photo and ourselves, we start to see there’s more to our life than just that photo.

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