This is the transcription from the podcast …

Setting clear boundaries, first and foremost with myself, has been something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. And I realize that at least sometimes the answer has to be no to someone you love and care for, even when you want to help.

Without clear boundaries, things can erode.

Your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual self can start to crumble as a caregiver, or even if you’re not a caregiver, if you don’t have clear boundaries.

I’ve been feeling a lot of overwhelm that my boundaries are not properly set with work and life And but I started thinking maybe I’m looking at the concept of boundaries wrong.

Let me explain.

I just started reading the book, Let Them, by Mel Robbins. What it made me think, the first thing that came to mind for me was that this book and other books that have similar philosophies can easily be misconstrued into these hardcore black and white philosophies that are impossible to sustain.

So in other words, in my case as a caregiver to my wife, I’m often the only one that can do what she needs —  whether it’s taking her to a doctor’s appointment, cooking, or driving her to and from work if she’s having vision problems … And I started thinking about that, like what if you’re the only one who can do it? What if there’s nobody else and you’re the last man standing?

Should you let them suffer? Should you “honor your boundaries,” when someone else is in constant pain?

When you’re the only option, sometimes the best option for you is acceptance.

In other words, what do you do when you have nowhere else to turn?

Well, what I do is I turn to the Universe.

And I do my best to tune into consciousness.

I practice acceptance as best I can and I make space over and over throughout the day. And for the most part, I’m all right until I hit that critical moment where fatigue sets in. And then all of a sudden it feels impossible to make space, to be in acceptance again of the fact that, I might not be able to do that billable work today, even though it’s gonna help my client, even though it’s gonna bring more money into our family.

It just feels impossible in that moment to accept the fact that that’s not going to happen, right? And I start to feel emotionally wrecked.

And what sounds, at least on a superficial level, kind of silly is what I work on next is accepting that I’m having trouble accepting.

It’s important to note that when this happens to me or to you, that it’s not a sign of failure. It is a sign of being human. Being a tired human who at that moment is at their limit. Not forever, just at that moment. We just don’t have the bandwidth to make more space and be in acceptance of the situation that quite frankly sucks.

And that’s okay.

Thanks for listening and many blessings to you.

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As caregivers, what can often happen is that we’re so busy caring for others that our needs are not addressed. Sometimes we don’t verbalize our needs, while other times we may not even be aware of what our needs are.

As I have become more mindful, I’ve gained some insight into what my needs are — as well as which ones can realistically be met, and which ones can’t. I’ve also realized that taking care of others — whether it’s caring for a spouse, parent, or child — shouldn’t mean we suffer. Yes, suffering is part of life, but being a caregiver doesn’t mean we should be suffering in silence.

It’s important to acknowledge what are needs are, and ask for help if the opportunity arises. This is especially difficult for men, who have been conditioned to “suck it up,” and just grind through each day.

These needs could be small or big, long-term or short-term, from the need for intimacy, to the need for someone else to cook a meal. Speaking of cooking, there are just some nights where I go to cook dinner and I’m really tired, or not feeling well, and am just not up for cooking. In the past, I would push through and feel like a martyr. And then one day I was like, you know what? I don’t need to force myself to cook. If my boys are home from school (they’re both in college), I can ask for help, or we can do takeout.

This is just a small example of taking away suffering. Although cooking is my responsibility in the household, nobody is putting pressure on me to cook — I’m putting it on myself. The shift from forcing myself to cook, to giving myself the grace to sometimes not cook was a healthy shift. And you know what? Everybody understands. Nobody complains. Everybody still eats.

As caregivers, we want to take care of everybody and take away their pain, take away their suffering, their struggle. And sometimes we can take it too far. And when we do that, we start causing our own problems and suffering, because we’re not we’re not acknowledging our needs and taking care of ourselves.

So, take a few minutes and answer the question for yourself … what are your needs, and are they being met?

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